Staying Grounded During the Pandemic in New York City
From Rita Battat-Silverman, author of Replacement Children: The Unconscious Script
The world under the weight of the coronavirus brings up an insecurity that definitely relates to my replacement child status. Connections with people and familiarity grounds me. One of the reasons I love living in NYC is that there are always people around. Even though I may not know them, it gives me a sense of security. From an early age I was “the fixer” and became very resourceful from necessity.
Now we are all suddenly in uncharted territory. New York City streets and sidewalks are almost empty. The things that were so routine and dependable cannot be counted on anymore.
I’m most concerned about our daughter who lives in Colorado. Will she be safe and can I get to her quickly, or even at all, if she needs me? If I can’t reach her immediately I now feel a sense of near panic if I don’t hear back right away.
Helping me feel grounded:
- Keeping connections by phone and emails to friends and family.
- A daily routine. Starting the morning as usual by having coffee with my husband, then taking a shower and getting dressed, putting on make-up and all, even if in the same comfortable pants.
- Having a dog is great because it gets me out during the day and to the park down the block if the weather permits.
- Going through my piles of old books and finding some really great ones hidden away that I am enjoying reading again.
- Watching funny old sitcom’s
- Music Music Music!!
Covid-19 crisis triggered my death anxiety – and how I re-center on the life force
From Kristina E. Schellinski, Clinical Psychoanalyst and Psychotherapist Author of Individuation for Replacement Children
photo by John Anugraha
Actually, I worry more about my adult children who live in Italy and in the UK than about myself. I live in the French-speaking part of Switzerland, with a very high per capita infection rate but low death rate, so far. I worry that I would not be able to protect or help my children; keeping movements to an absolute minimum, I work from home for the past several weeks.
Being an adult replacement child, the threat to life posed by the coronavirus has increased my levels of fear, my death anxiety. I found myself having scenarios in my head, or even nightmares, about what could happen to my children. The coronavirus has triggered deep-seated, life-long fears in me since I was born shortly after the death of my baby brother. His death and my life were wound up together, death and disease are in ‘my bones’ so-to-speak.
As a Psychoanalyst and Clinician, I am aware that my anxiety levels are higher due to my replacement condition and I know that I must seek ways to center, to re-center, that I must consciously focus on the life force. For me that means:
- keeping myself from constantly checking the news
- helping my patients with depth analysis and compassion
- keeping close connection with family and friends
- greeting with gratitude every sign of life of the in-coming spring
- and looking for healthy nourishment for my body and my soul
I seek to deepen my connection with what is eternal, everlasting, by meditating in the morning and reading a truly good book at night: lately The eternal diamond by Richard Rohr.
Redirecting My Overprotective Panic
From Judy L. Mandel, author of Replacement Child – a memoir
In my case, the crisis is a triggering event in many ways. Being a replacement for my sister who was killed in a freak plane crash into my family home, I am very overprotective of my own child. Now, he is in the epicenter of this pandemic in New York City and I am powerless to do anything. He and his fiancé have jobs as essential workers and cannot come here. Add to that being born as the one to fix everything, and you can see this is a recipe for anxiety.
What am I doing to calm down? Here are some things:
- I am cooking more than I have in years. A roast chicken with potatoes and green beans makes me feel more centered.
- Music. I’m trying to learn to be a rock star on my electric guitar. Taking online lessons.
- Editing. I’m still editing and revising my next book.
- Grandchildren. Even though I can’t see them, I’m trying to connect virtually when I can.
- Friends. I just learned how to use Zoom to stay in touch and see the faces of friends and family.
- My husband and his good humor ground me every day.
The Gift of Gratitude, Especially During These Times
From Barbara Jaffe, Ed.D., author of When Will I Be Good Enough? A Replacement Child’s Journey to Healing, [2017, Lisa Hagan Books]. Winner of The Eric Hoffer Award for Excellence in Independent Publishing. Her website is at: barbaraannjaffe.com
I am grateful for the Replacement Child Forum for providing a way in which to connect with other adult replacement children like myself and to serve as a resource for practitioners.
During the current COVID-19 pandemic, gratitude has helped me live a more peaceful, serene existence, especially during these challenging times. My mother was emotionally limited in what she could give me as a result of the loss of Jeffrey, her second child and second son. I was conceived soon after his loss, so she was depleted despite the joy of having a daughter. While my mother saw herself as a victim throughout her life, my acceptance of the complexities of life allow me to adjust more easily. My mother experienced the challenges of life as something personally done to her. Her frequent mantra was: “I must have done something terrible to deserve this” (whatever ‘this’ referred to in her life.) Sadly, this outlook was the theme for her life—from her toddler’s death to my disagreeing with her. However, I chose another way to view the world, which owes me nothing, yet the potential for joy always exists, even in today’s reality through the power of gratitude.
Here are a few items on my list:
- For today, my family and friends and I are healthy.
- FaceTime allows me to see my kids and grandkids even when I cannot really “see” them.
- I have a roof over my head and enough food in the refrigerator.
- I have many, many shelves of delicious books waiting to be read.
- I can walk outside my house and see beautiful trees, grass, flowers, and birds.