I believe that I am a replacement child. I feel like my entire life has been a mess and I fear that I might I’ve managed to screw my children up as well. I didn’t have any self-esteem or confidence to make different choices in my life than the ones I did. Now, I feel apart from some of my family; I fear that some members in my family may even doubt that such a thing as the replacement child condition exists. Their own lack of mourning may hinder them from understanding me.
When I discovered the term “replacement child” my own journey finally began…
I enjoyed your book Individuation for Adult Replacement Children and I think I’ve read every free research paper available on the internet. I have also read Replacement Children: The Unconscious Script by Silverman and Brenner. It was interesting to hear other people’s stories and see some parallels with my own life, but suspect that this experience is very individual. I’m hoping you can refer me to an appropriate psychologist.
Kristina Schellinski responded:
I am touched by your message and thank you for writing.
I will contact some colleagues who might be able to offer therapy, I will let you know as I hear from them.
I understand that you suffer. As a first step, I suggest, that you do not blame yourself. Then try and identify some of the issues that require further attention: attachment and looking at patterns in relationships, or differentiating your identity, or addressing feelings of grief or guilt.
If you are a replacement child and suffer from some of the symptoms I have described in my book, it is not your fault.
It is nobody’s fault.
But it is good to become conscious of the condition.
I suggest to you the articles by A. Cain & B. Cain and by Andrea Sabbadini or the paper by André Green.
The more you can understand about the replacement child condition, the better!
And: speaking your truth could bring you a sense of relief.
With all my best wishes,
Kristina Schellinski
Swiss Psychotherapist & Analytical Psychologist
Author of Individuation for Adult Replacement Children, Ways of Coming into Being
Reading suggestions:
Cain, A. C. & Cain, B. S. (1964). On Replacing a Child. Journal of American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 3, 443–456
Green, A. (2011). The Dead Mother. In: Life Narcissism/Death Narcissism. London/New York: Free Associations Books
Mandel, Judy L. Replacement Child ~ a memoir (Seal press, 2013)
Sabbadini, A. (1988). The Replacement Child. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 4(24), 528–547.