Inspired by the interesting reports, comments and research, I am now sharing my story here as well. Unlike some other experiences, I grew up with the term replacement child. My father told other people at every opportunity that I was born as a substitute for the deceased sister and so this role has been in my consciousness from the very beginning. I only became aware of the impact of it decades later.
For all my life so far, I have been accompanied by the unconscious but unchallengeable conviction that life is not for me; at least not a good life.
The cause of this is an event (which was symbolic of many others) that happened when I was about 5 years old. I found a carnival costume while playing and joyfully wanted to try it on. My mother came and snatched it out of my hand and yelled at me, “This is not for you!”. She had probably bought it for my sister, who at the age of 3 was hit by a car in front of the yard gate and died. I was born exactly 1 year and 2 days later. Even though the accident itself, the death of my sister and my parent’s grief were almost never talked about, ”it” was always present.
My life is marked by psychosomatic diseases, pain, an eating disorder and an eternal struggle, a struggle for survival, a struggle for life itself. I think I wanted to be obedient and show and prove to the whole world through my suffering that life is not for me.
In my current therapy, I am on my way to the deepest, most secret corners of my soul and hope to find my own self and arrive at home within myself.
I am so grateful and happy for the work of Kristina Schellinski and every post in this forum encourages me on my path. There is a reason I feel the way I do and no – I am not wrong, I am not the wrong one. None of us are, no matter what reason we were conceived, what role we slipped into.
Heike Deck, Germany